


Something More

by Thicely



Category: The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Childhood Friends, F/F, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, POV Multiple
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-12 22:08:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29891277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thicely/pseuds/Thicely
Summary: Leah moves to Fort Travis. She can't help but wonder what's going on between Toni and Shelby. They hate each other except she catches Shelby looking at Toni a lot. Is there something more? Everyone lives in Texas.****Toni is telling the truth. She really doesn’t fucking know. Shelby Goodkind. There are so many memories. So many questions. Toni had felt every range of emotion for Shelby Goodkind. She isn’t quite sure what it is she feels towards Shelby now. There's no way she has any idea what Shelby feels for her.
Relationships: Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 19
Kudos: 149





	1. Hate or Something More

**Author's Note:**

> This story was supposed to be a one-shot but spiraled into multiple parts. 
> 
> It starts from Leah's POV. Then, Toni. It will eventually get to Shelby's POV

Leah wishes she had siblings. Texas blows. The temperature alone makes her want to get a ticket back to the Bay, but her parents are adamant, this is the best decision for her, for them. They’re almost fifty. They had her late in life after doing everything they had wanted. They simply do not have the capacity to understand what a teenage girl is feeling. If they had any clue, they would have decided to uproot her in the middle of her first junior semester to start a new life in the middle of nowhere Texas. If her parents had someone else to focus their energies on, they wouldn’t be moving halfway across the country just because her parents couldn’t figure out why Leah was in such a funk. It’s not going to work. Leah still has Jeff's book clenched in her hands, to take with her on the first day of school. 

The school arranges for a student to give her a tour before school starts. Waiting for her at the front is a very perky, blonde girl. Leah thinks the introduction is a joke. “My name is Shelby. I do real, I do Jesus, I do pageants.” 

No. Shelby really is like that, the poster card for a good Christian Texan girl. She really seems to enjoy giving the tour, throwing in random facts about Fort Travis High’s history and telling Leah to go to all the school events. Shelby is Junior Class president, captain of the cheerleading squad, President of the Youth Christian club, the largest club in the school, and editor of the yearbook. This girl has way too much energy.  
They walk into the gymnasium which is pretty big for such a small school. Shelby is raving about the school basketball team. “Their first game of the season is coming up next Friday. Everyone’s gonna be there. I’ll save you a se-” 

Shelby upbeat demeanor falters for a bit. Leah looks to where she’s starting to see they’re not alone. Two girls are in the middle of the court giggling. They’re facing each other, reaching across a space to hold each other's hands. Leah isn’t sure what they are doing but then they both pull forward to fall into the center, laughing even harder. They’re obviously a couple. The brunette with the long wavy hair and athletic jacket pulls the other girl to kiss her on the head. Leah doesn’t really know what to do. She turns to Shelby who is just staring at the couple intensely. At first, Leah’s annoyed. It’s 2020, a lesbian couple shouldn’t be that suprising to anyone. But then Shelby doesn’t stop staring and Leah thinks she registers hurt in the blondes eyes. What is going on? 

“Ummmm… is the tour over.” Leah asks tentatively. Shelby snaps out of whatever trance she’s in looking away from the couple. She looks at Leah briefly before smoothing out her skirt turning to to look at Leah

“OH no..” Shelby fiddles with the cross on her neck. “ I still have the ummm… the science buildings to show you and the… theater. You can come to the school play. It’s a beautiful rendition of … umm...” 

“Are you new here? I am Regan” the girl in the beanie walks up to them with a friendly smile on her face. Leah nods and smiles in return. 

“Yeah. This is Leah. She’s from San Francisco. I was just showing her around.” Shelby replies leaning towards the door like she wants to get out of there as soon as possible. 

“I was the last new girl. Goodkind gave me my tour when I moved at the beginning of this semester. You can trust her. She knows what she’s doing. That’s Toni, my girlfriend. She’s trying to play it cool but she’s just shy. Come say hi Toni. Don’t be rude.” 

Toni walks over albeit reluctantly. Leah notices Shelby fiddle with her cross a little more anxiously as the short brunette makes her approach. 

“Toni Shalifoe. Captain of the women’s basketball team.” Leah shakes Toni’s hand trying her best to give a firm grip. “Leah Rilke, Captain of sitting alone and reading.” Toni laughs and it actually seems genuine. 

“I like to read too.” Toni gestures to the book still at Leah’s side. “I am not just a hot jock.” Regan gives her a playful punch for that one. “My friend Nora and I kind of have this book club. We read together during lunch and we talk about it. On Wednesdays, under the big oak tree out front if you ever want to join.” 

“Wow that would be great. How did you guys come up with the idea?” 

“Umm it’s something I’ve been doing with my friends since---” Toni pauses and looks away and Leah notices Shelby drop her gaze to her shoes. “Just for a while. We kind of just restarted it recently though. Would love to have new people join though. Nora and I are the only consistent ones but other people drop in sometimes too.” Toni nudges Regan playfully. 

“We can’t all be nerds all the time like you.” Regan teases. “We’ll let you girls get back to your tour. Feel free to sit with us at lunch though for not nerdy reasons as well.” They walk away hand in hand. Leah watches Shelby glances at their merged hands a little too long before quickly averting her gaze and playing with her necklace. They continue the tour with Shelby acting a little less animated. They finish and Leah’s is more than ready to bounce. 

“ I just wanted to say you’re also free to join me and my friends for lunch.” Shelby says. “Just so you know, you have more options.” Shelby rolls back and forward on the balls of her feet. Leah has a feeling her mind is elsewhere.

“Why wouldn’t I want to sit with them? They seem nice. It’s 2020, People can love whoever they love where I am from” Leah says a little defensively. 

“No..I didn’t mean. I just… I didn’t know that T-Toni was seeing anyone. No one else is - She’s been the only….the only one since…. I just mean… they’re a pretty tight group. Toni...and the rest of the gals. They don’t really like interacting with the rest of the school. If you sit with me and my friends, I can introduce you to any group you want.” Shelby is talking pretty quickly, trying to cover up the nervous energy. Leah is pretty observant. Something else is going on. 

“Do you guys have a GSA club? Gay-Straight Alliance? A feminist club? A women’s literature club?.... Film club?”

“Ummm no.. but the FCA has monthly movie months. It’s usually a christian movie but everyone loves them.” Leah obviously passes. There’s no way she’s going to fit in at this school. 

She sits with Regan and Toni at lunch. The “gals” Shelby was referring to obviously don’t fit in with the rest of the school. Not only are they most of the few students who aren’t white in but the way they dress, more like students in the Bay, sets them apart from everyone else who either look like they are still in the 50s i.e. Shelby and her crew of pretty girls and jocks or straight up country: jeans, T-shirts about trucks and flannels. There’s no in between. Maybe that’s why Regan and Toni had been so friendly to her. They could tell from Leah’s wide cropped pants and palm patterned, button-up short sleeves, she didn’t belong here just like them. 

Fatin, who seems to be the main driver of the group, instantly takes a liking to Leah. They are both originally from the Bay. Dot jokes back and forth with Fatin and tries to include Leah once in a while. Rachel gives Leah a terse nod while Nora engages in light conversation before diving back into her book. Toni doesn’t really say anything and spends most of the lunch period giggling with Regan or talking every once in a while with Martha, a sweet girl who mostly observes everyone with a smile on her face. It seems genuine. Leah is instantly glad she found them. 

*******

Fatin quickly becomes Leah’s go to friend. They both have the most free time and end up lounging most of the time in the Jadmani mansion. Leah’s parents are also pretty loaded so sometimes they hang out at her place, but their pool isn’t as nice and their liquor stash isn’t as easy to raid. Dot is Leah’s second closest friend. She joins in every once in a while but she spends most of her time taking care of her dad. 

She refuses to admit this but it only takes a month for Leah to see that maybe her parents made the right move. She spills everything about Jeff much more quickly than she expected. She clashes with Fatin about it. They actually had a physical fight, but they came out of it much closer. Nora helps her too. At one of their weekly book clubs she gives Leah a journal. “A place to put all those thoughts or just the things you observe without thinking at all.” Fort Travis classes are an absolute snooze fest compared to the work at her old private school. So she spends a lot of the time journaling while pretending to take notes.

Toni is reading under her desk. Toni really is kind of a nerd. Class is just as boring for her. Leah doesn’t quite understand Toni. She was friendly at first and they joke around sometimes but most attempts Leah makes to get the girl better are politely brushed off. They mostly talk about books on Wednesday or interact through the large group. “It’s not personal.” Nora once explains without Leah having to ask the question at all. “Toni doesn’t let people in anymore. Just Martha and now Regan.” 

Nora is drawing birds with hats on them. Rachel looks angry. Fatin is playing with her hair. Becca is playing with her pencil. Shelby is taking notes, keeps glancing at Toni. That’s a mystery that Leah has been trying to solve. Toni and Shelby obviously hate each other. The way Toni stiffens and sneers anytime anybody mentions the girl. The death glares whenever that sweet southern drawl talks in class. Shelby acts nice and tries to play it cool or ignore it whenever Toni throws a barb her way about it but Leah sees the deep resentment in Shelby’s eyes. The hatred Leah can kind of understand. Toni is loud and proud and has a short fuse about everything. Shelby is literally an embodiment of everything Toni hates. 

Leah doesn’t understand the glances. It’s weird that she notices but there’s not much else to do during class than people watch. Shelby Goodkind is always looking at Toni and Leah doesn’t know what to make of the serious expression on her face. When Toni is with Regan it’s like Shelby actively tries to look everywhere else but them. Maybe it’s pure homophobia but something tells Leah there’s something more to the story. Toni looks at Shelby too but way less often and it’s usually with obvious loathing, but sometimes she just looks hurt.

It’s not really something Leah wastes too much time thinking about, but then one day it becomes a sort of embarrassing obsession. The girls are talking around the cars after a basketball game. Fatin and Dot leading the conversation with some jokes. Toni is even in a good enough mood to participate. One minute she’s joking, arm slung around Regan’s shoulder, the next she stops mid sentence, a look of fury on her face and then she’s charging away. 

Leah turns to see Toni shoving Andrew. Shelby stands behind Toni looking disheveled. 

“She said No. You don’t Fucking touch her. You piece of shit!” 

“She’s my girlfriend.” Andrew yells, slurring his words. “ You stay out of it. Dyke! ” Leah thinks she’s about to witness Toni end Andrew right there. She’s seen Toni beat up a few jocks for just looking at Martha funny, but then Shelby reaches out to grab Toni’s shoulder and the brunette instantly stops, turning to face Shelby. 

“Toni,” Shelby says softly. Leah feels like they’re witnessing something really private. “I am fine. He’s just drunk. He’ll walk it off on his way home.” Shelby voice is final and it deflates Andrew enough to stop him from fighting. 

“Fuck this. Whatever.” He walks away leaving Shelby and Toni to just stare at each other. Shelby removes her hand from Toni’s shoulder. Toni stuffs her hands in her pockets. 

“Umm… thanks.” Shelby breaks the silence. “You didn’t have to…” She stops mid-sentence seeing Toni shake her head in disagreement. 

“I did,” Toni looks Shelby straight in the eye. Toni walks slowly back to the group. The girls quickly try to pretend to act like they hadn’t been intensely watching the whole thing. Leah’s the only one who watches as Shelby stare at Toni, something desperate in her eyes. Well, maybe Regan notices. Toni’s girlfriend seems to be in a weird mood the rest of the night. 

After that incident, Leah can’t stop thinking she’s missing something. It’s actually really annoying because none of the girls will tell her anything about the situation. Fatin and Dot just laugh at Leah when she asks during one of their drinking sessions. “

“Yeah good luck with that,” Fatin laughs. “Even I don’t fucking know. Even if I did, you’re not getting anything out of me.” 

“Toni would straight up murder anyone if she thought we said anything or knew we were even thinking about discussing it.” Dot agrees. “That’s off limits. Like red tape, blackbox, death zone, off limits.” Leah groans. The forbidden element just makes it a thousand times more interesting. 


	2. Still Got Love For You

Leah spends months subtly observing their interactions. Toni doesn’t change, staying focused on basketball, Martha and Regan. Toni and Shelby still clash a lot. Their arguments are full of so much anger, Leah sometimes thinks she just imagines their connection. But Shelby still stares at Toni, a little more blatantly after Toni fought with Andrew. Leah notes Shelby let’s herself stare at Toni when she thinks no one is watching like during class. She even sees Shelby reading A Room of One’s Own a week after Toni spent all of class reading it under her desk. Shelby takes the opportunity to just straight up stare at Toni’s basketball games. The blonde comes sans Andrew just with her best friend Becca and her eyes are glued to point guard number three the whole time. Leah also starts to notice how the blonde is always actively pushing Andrew’s hands away from her. 

“Goodkind definitely is one of those wait until marriage girls.” Rachel says in a rare moment of gossip. They’re all laying around at Fatin’s place. They're supposed to be watching a movie but everyone is too lazy to move after downing multiple pizzas after another basketball game.

“Totally,” Fatin agrees. “I bet Andrew hasn’t even gotten to second base yet. Have you seen the way she slaps his hands away?” Leah notices Toni’s jaw clench. She doesn’t laugh with the rest of the group. 

Leah kicks herself when realizes that she’s probably missed out on a lot of valuable Shoni observing time until she visits Toni at her job at the bowling alley. She sees Shelby and Becca in a lane giggling. She questions Toni about it who just shrugs and says they bowl all the time. Leah believes it. Becca even has a special wrist guard on. What a dork. 

Leah sees something but she doesn’t learn anything from it. Toni gives Leah and Fatin some free fries and pizza. They’re not interested in bowling so they sit at the counter, munching and talking. Toni chimes in whenever she gets a chance between doing tasks while on shift. Toni’s wiping some shoes not looking happy but also not pissed off which is kind of happy considering the fact that it’s Toni. Suddenly, Toni looks furious. Leah subtly follows her line of sight. At first she thinks Toni is looking at Shelby and Becca who are not bowling anymore. Shelby is crouching in front of Becca who is sitting down, leaning against a pillar. Becca looks very upset, is she crying? 

Leah doesn’t understand why this would piss Toni off this much but then she realizes her friend’s gaze is actually geared towards a couple a few lanes over. They look like a typical young Christian couple. Yeah the guy is a white schmuck in a fucking sweater vest but it’s not really something to get mad over. 

Leah turns to see Toni walk to the back room. Fatin is confused as well but gestures towards behind Leah. Shelby Goodkind is walking towards them with a determined expression on her face. The blonde stops at the counter arms crossed around her yellow shirt.“Toni?” Shelby seems upset. Leah is worried they’re about to witness another argument between the two. Fatin looks excited at the prospect of entertainment. But then Toni comes out with a fucking reindeer and snow in a can. What the fuck? 

Shelby seems surprised. Toni just clenches her jaw and puts the item forward, gesturing for Shelby to take them. Fatin and Leah are deathly silent. Toni and Shelby are having a silent conversation looking at each other with intense, stern stares. It still seems like they hate or at least heavily dislike each other, but right now their seriousness is about something else. They're actually having some kind of respectful interaction. Shelby takes the items from Toni and walks away with so much adamancy in her step. Fatin and Leah watch Shelby exit with Becca and turn to Toni with questioning expressions on their faces. Toni gives them a look that says don’t fucking think about it. 

*********

Shelby is there with just Becca at the last game of the year. Leah sees them cheering hard every time Toni scores which is a lot. She’s really the only one who scores. The Travis Trojans need to win this one to make it to the postseason, a feat the team hasn’t achieved in over a decade. Toni is the only reason the team has made it this far. She trains nonstop but the rest of the team are mostly church going girls like Shelby who see basketball like a hobby. Still, the game is close. It doesn’t seem they’re going to make it. With only a few minutes left, the Trojans are down by 17. 

The Trojans use their last time out, their coach yelling something about giving it their all. Toni looks freaking wrecked. She’s been running back and forth on the court at lightning speed. One against five really isn’t fair. Leah’s worried she’s pushed herself too far. She watches as Toni heads to the seats to grab her water. Toni pauses in front of the seats and looks a little startled. She picks up a Sunny D that’s been perfectly placed on the bench and smiles. Toni looks into the crowd briefly. Leah looks around to see who she’s looking at but she can’t tell. She just knows it isn’t any of the girls who are all sitting right next to her. Toni’s already downed the drink by the time Leah’s looked back and gently placing the empty bottle back on the seat. What the heck is that all about? 

Apparently they put cocaine in Sunny D now. Toni’s zipping up and down the court like she’s the energizer bunny. The other team only manages to get a few shots in the net. It’s mostly Toni working with the other Trojans to close the point gap. The only problem is time is not on their side. The other teams lead dwindles to 9, now 4 with shit - 30 seconds left. Toni has the ball and is charging down the court nothing is going to stop her and one of the girls just slams into her. A blatant foul. It’s not a smart move. Toni sinks in two free throws easily. 

There’s 12 seconds and three points keeping the Trojans from the playoffs. Toni gets passed the ball. She’s on the other side of the court from the net. The other team doesn’t even bother to guard her but backs down to set up their defense. 6 seconds left. Why is Toni dribbling calming like she has all the time in the world? She’s slowly moving up court. Leah glances at the clock. 3 Seconds. Toni takes a jump shot! She’s not even close to the half court line. What a fucking bold move. The weirdest part is she doesn’t even watch it like everyone else. The ball leaves her hands and she looks into the crowd. Leah’s following her line of sight when the buzzer rings. She knows the Trojans win when she sees Shelby and Becca cheering loudly along with the rest of the crowd. 

Even though the girls aren’t considered popular, the entire high school turns up at the Jadmani the free alcohol. Fatin doesn’t usually invite the super religious people at the school, but they’re celebrating a fucking fantastic win. Even Shelby shows up, which really surprises Leah. She isn’t proud of it but she spends most of the time stalking Shelby, hoping alcohol will make the blonde more easy to read. She wants to know what was going on in that game but it’s a complete waste of time. Shelby barely touches the drink she’s had in her hand the whole time. Besides the normal glancing at Toni and longer glances at Toni making out with Regan, Leah doesn’t see anything. 

She gives up pretty early on and allows herself to flirt with a few of the boys. She’s heading to the bathroom when she hears voices coming from one of the rooms upstairs.

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to forget about it. And you knew so it was just hard. It was easier to go along with everything.” Is that Becca? 

“I know Becca. I am not mad.” Leah’s would recognize Toni’s voice anywhere. Why is she talking to Becca? “You have to do what’s best for you. To get better. I promise. I am not mad.”

“I’m still sorry. I miss you. We- .” Toni chuckles bitterly.

“Right….I miss you too."Toni responds. You’re still my best friend. You’ll always be my best friend. No matter what. I promise.” At this point Leah feels way too bad for eavesdropping. She quickens her pace to the bathroom only to almost run into a very upset Shelby Goodkind. The blonde almost steamrolls Leah and runs away before Leah can react. 

Leah just wants to give up (but of course she can’t). She really doesn’t understand. Becca and Toni were really tight? Shelby stole Toni’s best friend? Is that why they hate each other? None of it makes sense.


	3. Vicarious Heartache

Becca kind of talks to them now. She and Toni exchange smiles in the hallway and the short curly-haired girl even joins them for their non-official book-club once. No one really bats an eye of it so it just confirms to Leah they must have some sort of history. No one but Shelby. It really seems to throw the blonde off her. Leah notices her glances at Toni almost become staring sessions and the turmoil on her face becomes much more evident. Toni even catches Shelby a few times which just makes Shelby look even more upset. It’s not like Becca is suddenly ditching Shelby for Toni. Shelby and Becca are still glued at the hip and seem to be doing just fine. 

Apparently Matha is excited about Toni and Becca’s newly mended? Rekindled? At least partially fixed? relationship. Martha invites both Shelby and Becca along with a few other girls not in their group to her birthday party. Leah’s surprised to see them at the house that Toni and Martha both apparently live in. They’re not biological sisters but Toni has her own room. Leah wonders what the story is there as well but she’s too distracted with watching Shelby to care.

Shelby also seems surprised that she herself is there. Shelby scans the place like she’s trying to solve a crime, pausing for an extra moment at the pictures of the Blackburn family photos many of which include Toni scattered around the walls. Becca just seems plain happy and chatters around the room. She and Martha seem to be hitting it off. Leah isn’t surprised. The two give off very similar energies. 

Regan arrives late and Shelby is visibly irritated to see her with Toni. Toni seems to pick up on it because she’s even more pissed off around Shelby than she usually is. Leah tries to fit the puzzle pieces together. They had some silent, stern agreement over reindeer and snow in a can, then shared some genuine looking smiles at the game, and now they are back to absolutely hating each other? If Becca and Toni get along why can’t Shelby and Toni? 

Leah gets her answer kind of. The girls socialize in smaller groups. Leah notices her friends are not too good at interacting with the other girls Martha invited. Becca also seems to notice and is soon pushing Shelby into the center of the room. The blonde uses the camp counselor attitude god gave her to suggest they all play never have I ever. She’s only a little phased by Toni’s goading that she can’t wimp out with soft questions. 

“Fine,” Shelby says. “Never have I ever had vaginal penatrative intercouse.” It’s sort of awkward. Everyone in their misfit group puts a finger down except Martha. All of the other girls Martha invited keep theirs up. Toni and Regan giggle together. Leah can see Shelby struggling to not grimace at the two. The rest of the girls do not heed Toni’s advice and give relatively tame questions, but then it’s Fatin’s turn. 

“Hmmmm…. Never have I have I ever suuu oof -” Toni elbows Fatin in the gut pretty harshly. “You definitely have” Toni bites. “Fatin’s never been in love.” Fatin slaps Toni’s arm in response but accepts Toni asking her question for her.

Leah puts a finger down and sees only Nora, Shelby, and Toni and Regan who are looking at each other put a finger down. Shelby is in love with Andrew really? Some of the Christian girls at the party seem to believe it. They giggle and look at Shelby with knowing smiles. Leah would find Shelby’s shy smile back a lot more convincing if she hadn’t noticed the blonde looking at Toni and Regan like they had just run over her puppy. There’s no way Shelby is into Toni. She’s like 100% straight. Toni sees Shelby looking at them and instantly glares back. Shelby’s hand goes to her cross. Right... Leah hits herself mentally. Shelby is actually homophobic. Leah sometimes forgets. Sometimes Shelby can be nice but apparently she has had enough gay for today. 

“I have to prep for an upcoming pageant.” Shelby explains. Leah doesn’t miss the way Shelby’s voice wavers. “ So I am just going to head out early. Come on Becca. You promised you’d help me pick out my dress. ” Shelby practically pulls Becca out of there.

  
  


******

  
  


Shelby and Toni used to be friends. Really good friends. Apparently it still means something to Shelby. Leah learns this at another party hosted at Fatin’s house. 

Toni parties really hard. They had a good season. Her team even made it a couple more games into the postseason but one girls skill could only carry the team so far. She’s still happy about the way she played so she celebrates.Toni really knows how to dance. She spends the whole night alternating between showing off her skills and making out with Regan just to piss off her homophobic classmates. Leah breaks from the girls’ group dance circle to grab another drink. 

“Did you see Toni? She’s not even ashamed to do THAT in front of all of us.” Leah freezes. It’s two of the cheerleaders, Lindsay? Britney? Courtney? Whatever. She ducks behind the wall to eavesdrop.

“Yeah I can’t believe Shelby used to be friends with her. Like they used to hangout all the time. Can you imagine Shelby Goodkind hanging out with HER.” Leah rolls her eyes at the way they say Shelby’s name like she’s an actual saint. 

“Shelby was probably just being nice because she felt sorry for her. She’s too good for her own good. Toni was a foster kid you know. Then, her aunt didn’t even want her.That’s what you get for being a Dyke.” Those bitches. Leah clenches her hand around her empty cup. She didn't know much about Toni’s life. She’s trying to figure out what to say to shut up their cruel laughter when she hears the cheerleaders both gasp. Leah turns around the corner expecting Toni there ready to beat them up. Leah wouldn’t have blamed her. 

“Whoops!” Shelby giggles. “My bad! I guess I’ve just had a little too much to drink.” She blinks a few times apologetically. The cheerleaders look annoyed but giving the way they were fawning over Shelby earlier they both accept the apology and go to clean themselves up. Shelby pauses for a few seconds, smiling sweetly, but drops the act as soon as the girls disappears from view. She is glaring with clear anger at their direction.

Leah would be more surprised but doesn’t have much time to think about it as she watches Shelby down a beer. Leah didn’t know Shelby was at the party. She hadn’t seen Becca, but come to think of it, Leah hadn’t seen Becca and Shelby interact lately. The curly-haired girl had started sitting with the band kids at lunch. 

Maybe the rift on their relationship is getting to Shelby, She looks just so off. Every hair is in place, her outfit and makeup is perfect but the blonde doesn’t usually look so wary, full of turmoil. She definitely usually doesn't drink this much. Leah wonders what changed, walking in to refill her solo cup. Shelby makes eye contact and immediately knows Leah saw the whole thing. 

“I was about to go apeshit and defend Toni’s honor but then you were like, hold my beer.” Leah jokes. Shelby smiles a little but takes another drink before responding. 

“I just don’t like it when people are mean.” Shelby says not convincing at all. Leah nods and refills her drink. She watches Shelby who is in her own world. She has that look on her face, like she’s staring at Toni, but Toni’s in the other room dancing with her girlfriend.

“ It’s probably better you stepped in. I couldn’t think of anything to say. Really all I do is spend most of my time thinking about love, a guy who wants nothing to do with me. How stupid is that?" Shelby stares out into space before answering. 

“Isn’t that what we’re all afraid of? That we won’t be loved? That we’ll be all alone?” It’s unexpected, the way Shelby’s words make Leah’s heart hurt. 


	4. Devastating  Heartbreak

Regan and Toni break up. The whole school knows. Toni doesn’t tell them but Leah watches Toni stomp around the school and look at Regan forlorn across the cafeteria. She expects there to be some breakthrough in her investigation of Shelby and Toni. All she sees is that Shelby now completely stops looking at Toni altogether. Toni is a stone wall now. She barely talks to anyone besides Martha and they live together. Toni doesn’t read with them on Wednesdays leaving only Nora to sit Leah under the big oak tree. Nora says, “Toni doesn’t trust anyone who could hurt her.”That answer doesn’t satisfy Leah. She tries to push back. They’re all friends. They wouldn’t do anything to hurt Toni. “It’s the Hedgehog dilemma,” Nora explains. “The closer you get, the easier it is to get hurt.” Leah still complains. She’s gone through a breakup, real heartbreak. She could probably help somehow if Toni would let her.

“Why would a breakup make her think we’re going to hurt her?” Leah complains. Dot sighs looking with a grimace on her face. 

“Ugh I am about to break the rules...I know Toni gives off this Loud and Proud energy. I mean she does. It’s real. She never gave it a second thought, telling the world, us, this backwards town who she loves...but it cost her a lot. ” 

“ She came out as the only gay person in Fort Travis.” Fatin continues realizing, Dot seems a little too bummed out. “With her family history and the way … these backwards people shunned her. Toni thought she was better off alone. We used to hang out a lot more. And it sucked that she didn’t trust us but we were 13 so I didn’t know what to do. Everyone hurts people, except Martha because she’s actually a fucking saint so at least Toni has her.” 

“She trusted Regan and now, Regan suddenly dumps her for... Beating up assholes is kind of Toni’s MO so I don’t know why Regan decided that fight was the last straw.” Dot says a little bitterly. 

Leah sits at the cafeteria watching the girls. Everyone just seems so out of it. Could Toni’s breakup really be affecting them all so much? She hasn’t known these girls for a year, but she wants to do something to fix this. She corners Toni at her locker after school. Toni tries to walk past her but Leah moves to face her. 

“Look, Toni. I know we haven’t known each other long, but I just need you to know that I care. We all care. We’re all here for you.” 

“Everyone leaves Leah,” Toni snaps, looking past Leah. “Even the people who promise they never will.” Toni walks forward past Leah, stomping right past Shelby. It’s the first time this week Leah has seen Shelby’s mask break. The blonde makes eye contact with Leah, and Leah knows Shelby heard the whole thing. Leah finally understands a little bit more. She finally recognizes the guilt on Shelby’s face as she watches Toni storm off, a hand clasping her cross necklace. 

  
  
  


********

It’s a bad fucking month. The girls have all been dealing with more problems than Leah thought. None of it makes any fucking sense. Leah’s heartbreak really seems dumb in comparison: Fatin’s dad wrecked their entire family for some instagram models. Dot’s dad is just gone, Rachel almost killed herself to get skinnier for diving, and then Becca Gilroy takes her own life right before Prom. It’s sickening.

Shelby stays in complete show-must-go-on mode. She’s still trying to sell Prom tickets for god’s sake. It’s sort of fucking terrifying. Becca’s the only girl Shelby seemed to be close with and she’s acting like nothing happened. Meanwhile, Toni is an absolute raging wreck. Toni who was already a walking nightmare since breaking up with Regan fumes on a completely new elite level now. She punches lockers and picks fights with anybody who looks at her. She even cries once, big loud sobs, huge stream of tears. All Nora did was offer Toni a Sunny D.

The town is so small, apparently everyone knows Toni and Becca were once tight. Even the jocks who Toni picks fights with seem to feel sorry for her. Leah sees how close they must have been at the funeral. Becca’s mom, the only family Becca had, wraps Toni in a huge bear hug. Toni sits with the women throughout the whole thing. Shelby doesn’t even attend. None of the Goodkinds do. 

After a week, Leah is convinced Shelby just somehow doesn’t care. Toni’s still raging. Maybe the blonde thinks Toni feels enough for both of them. When Leah walks to her car after office hours with her math teacher , she discovers she was wrong. 

“What happened?” Toni’s is completely unhinged. “Shelby, it’s Becca. Becca!” Toni’s arms are flailing. Shelby just stands there blank faced. 

Toni punches Shelby’s car hard, too hard. “Fuck” Her hand is bleeding. She just crumples to the ground, leaning back on Shelby’s now dented car. “Fuck. I knew. I should have done something. I should have said something.” Toni is crying. “I’m sorry. I should have done something sooner. “ Toni isn’t talking to Shelby anymore. “I should’ve helped you. I’m sorry” Toni sobs. 

Shelby stands there her whole body shaking. She sits on the ground with Toni and actually allows herself to cry. They lean into each other and sob. Leah doesn’t want to interrupt. She quietly gets in her car and slowly drives the opposite way. She gives them one last glance before pulling out of the parking lot. Shelby is clasping Toni’s hand in hers.


	5. Things Get Personal

Leah doesn’t get her answers that year. She purposefully tones down her investigation. She doesn’t want to intrude anymore. Watching Toni and Shelby cry against Shelby’s car. They were so vulnerable. She wasn’t meant to see that. All of the girls need support and she’s been feeding too much energy into this obsession, missing the opportunities to support her friends when they needed her. She’s come to the conclusion that Toni and Shelby have a long, complex history. In a way it helps Leah put her obsession with Jeff in perspective. Love goes so much deeper than a guy who can write a few fancy words in a book. 

It doesn’t stop her from glancing their way every once in a while. Old habits die hard. Toni and Shelby don’t seem to hate each other but they sure as hell do not interact. Shelby only once in a while glances at Ton. Toni rages less intensely now. Leah only sees Toni occasionally at group hangouts and sometimes when she goes to the restaurant Toni works at now. There’s no real reason for any of the girls to see Shelby in the summer. So they don’t. 

Regan starts hanging out with the group again come senior year. Toni actually looks like she’s ok with it. It brings a sense of normalcy to the group. Leah catches Shelby looking at them in the cafeteria once, but even though Leah has spent way too much analyzing that face, she can’t read the expression Then Shelby skips class in the middle of October for a few days and Toni seems a little worried. Shelby comes back with shorter hair. A few weeks later, Toni’s pissed for a while and sometimes Shelby looks just a little guilty. Leah doesn’t have time to make much of it because something else terribly traumatizing happens.

You’d think after the shits how of junior year, the girls would get a break, but no. Martha has to testify in court in December, and it does not go to plan. Martha pulls a GoodKind and pretends like nothing even happened. The girls enter winter break completely on edge. It just feels like something bad is going to happen again. Fatin decides enough is enough. Instead of waiting for shit to happen she forces them to confront it, all of it. She gets them all at her house for a sleepover in her basement. “Every girl is staying here all night. No exceptions.” She hands them some pamphlets- Klein Method: Hashing it All Out with the Girls. 

“Is this a fucking joke?” Dot grumbles leafing through the pamphlet. Leah can’t help but feel the same way as she glimpses a section that talks through how to reharness their wind.

“Probably,” Fatin admits without any anger. “But it’s not like any of us know how to talk through all the fucking shit we’ve gone through. Look, fuck the pamphlets. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to but you should, or at least listen to what I have to say. I don’t want to be like my father, using the people around him, the people he should love like they’re disposable. And I want all of you to know you’re not. You girls are always there for me. I want to be there for you. So call me. Spill all your guts out no judgement. Arrive at my house. Any time. Anywhere.” 

It sets the mood for the night. They don’t all spill their guts right there and then, but enjoy their evening with drinks and games. Whenever a girl feels like they have something to say, the whole room stops and listens. Surprisingly, everyone participates. Leah’s glad she learns more about what some of the girls are going through, but is also mad at herself for not realizing how much some of her friends are hurting. 

Nora had been dealing with the fact her boyfriend was murdered alone. Rachel stands up and hugs her. Dot doesn’t say exactly what is eating at her but it’s related to father’s death. She tries but just ends up shaking and Fatin holds her while she cries. Even Martha tries. She admits she’s not ready to face the things she needs to face which is a huge step. Toni says she regrets isolating herself, losing control, not being there, not protecting the people she loves. Everyone thinks the brunette is selling herself short, but they can also sense it’s also a silent promise to be around more, allowing herself to start trusting them all.

“I thought moving to Texas would ruin my life. I was so obsessed with Jeff. I - I wanted to be loved. I didn’t want to be alone.” Leah doesn’t expect Shelby’s words to come out. “ Now, thanks to you guys, I know what real love is.That wasn’t it.” Leah feels lighter. 

All of the girls seem to. They play drinking games for the gossip more than for the alcohol. Eventually it just spirals into a no limits ask me anything circle. “Nothing is too personal. Let’s go.” Fatin cheers. Leah wishes she could unhear some of the answers told, but she also learns some interesting things. Fatin has only seriously considered hooking up with Toni, Leah, and Dot in that order but only in a friends with benefits situation. Martha’s favorite is probably Nora because they just vibe well. (Toni doesn’t count. Toni’s her person). Rachel isn’t sure about her sexuality but doesn’t feel the need to decide anything at this point. 

Leah knows she might get pummeled for this but she just takes the risk. She turns to Toni. 'I'd like to know what's going on with you and Shelby Goodkind. It's keeping me up at night. What happened?' All the rest of the girls freeze looking at Toni. Toni blinks for a moment. There’s a long pause. Toni laughs. “I don’t fucking know.... You tell me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last part from Leah's point of view at least for now. Next up will be Toni. Thanks for reading.


	6. You're My Jo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toni is telling the truth. She really doesn’t fucking know. Shelby Goodkind. There are so many memories. So many questions. Toni had felt every range of emotion for Shelby Goodkind. She isn’t quite sure what it is she feels towards Shelby now. There's no way she has any idea what Shelby feels for her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be multiple chapters in Toni's POV. Originally, I wrote this first but the Leah element seemed like a better way to introduce the story.

Toni is telling the truth. She really doesn’t fucking know. Shelby Goodkind. There are so many memories. So many questions. Toni had felt every range of emotion for Shelby Goodkind. She isn’t quite sure what it is she feels towards Shelby now. There's no way she has any idea what Shelby feels for her. 

///////

Toni doesn’t like church, but her aunt loves it so she goes. If any of her foster care parents could see her now dressed in a floral print and matching headband, sitting well behaved in a wooden pew, they still wouldn’t believe it. She’s only ten but her rage started getting into trouble long before. She’s already seen her mother on the brink of death too many times to count. 

Her aunt Kristey is the first adult in her life to voluntarily and consistently give her warm meals and a roof over head. They don’t talk and aren’t really close, but she offers hugs in the morning and let’s Toni pick the show they watch in the evenings. Even though it goes against every defensive instinct in her body, Toni likes her. If life has taught Toni anything, it’s to not trust anyone. She shows up in Dallas with a single carryon, her mothers jacket that’s so big it hangs over her knees like a dress, and the intention of getting away from her aunt as soon as possible. 

Kristey Shalifoe surprises her. First off, she looks like Toni’s mom, just younger, less drug obsessed so actually exactly like the sober mom Toni had in the first few years of her life. She’s healthy and fit, and wraps Toni in a strong bear hug. Touch starved and surprised, she doesn’t even fight it. 

“Just call me Dan,” her uncle shakes Toni’s hand. He has a good ten years on her aunt, but he’s confident, polite, and owns a 2,000 acre farm. He swept Kristey off her feet and took her away. Toni can’t blame her. She hasn’t lived in a house this nice. Toni sees the clean white walls, feels the soft furniture, and understands why Toni and her mom were never invited.

Her room looks like it came straight out of a Disney TV show. It doesn’t suit Toni who never got into toys or crafts but she can tell her aunt is trying. She likes that she is trying. 

It’s only been a week but she allows herself to think she could stay here. So when Kristey presents a perfectly wrapped rose petal dress , Toni goes with her aunt and uncle to church. She sits in the pew thinking of the cartoons that would be playing if she didn’t have to sit and listen to this overly energetic white man preach. 

“I like your shoes.” The blonde girl, Shelby, points to Toni’s black dress shoes, the kind with the buckle on them and smiles brightly at Toni. “Thanks…” Toni doesn’t smile back. It doesn’t stop Shelby from talking a mile a minute and looking at Toni like she’s just brought a bunch of candy or something. 

It makes Toni uncomfortable. Toni is just quiet, waiting for the moment she can slip out of range of the blonde’s high voice. Their guardians had pushed the girls together. “Get to know her. She’s quite nice.” Toni’s aunt said. At the reservation, Toni didn’t have problems making friends. She didn’t have a best friend but she could talk her away around a playground. Still, stuck talking to a perky white blonde girl, the pastor's daughter, as her aunt fawns over that sed pastor feels uncomfortable. To Toni’s surprise, Shelby chooses to stick to her as they go through the Sunday classes. 

It’s not like Shelby doesn’t have other options. She’s pretty, friendly, and the pastors daughter at a church so basically a celebrity in the Christian community. Still, Shelby chatters with (or more like at) Toni while other girls and boys interrupt to try and get Shelby’s attention with compliments and questions about bible verses. Shelby turns to them and politely engages with them for a few minutes before turning back to Toni. Maybe if this weren’t a church or maybe if Shelby wasn’t obviously this popular, friendly perky character with everyone, Toni would be interested in being friends with Shelby. After years of trying to get any adult to notice her, Toni decided long ago fighting to be noticed just wasn’t the effort. Shelby is nice now, but her aunt must have asked the pastors daughter to make Toni feel extra comfortable or something. She’s new here but she isn’t a charity case.

Toni doesn’t want to go to church again, but Dan does not give her a choice. “We go to church in this family.” Toni doesn’t care enough to argue. She blocks out the sermons, daydreaming about cartoons. The only real problem is Shelby Goodkind, who has not let up on the whole friendly, church girl act. The 2nd time Toni goes to church, Shelby’s best friend, Becca Gilroy is there and Toni thinks Shelby just used her as a temporary short, brunette replacement that had been absent, but no, it doesn’t stop. Shelby sits next to Toni and pries her for questions then talks to Becca trying to include Toni in on the conversation every once in a while. 

She’s quiet and puts up with Shelby’s annoyingly sweet voice on Sundays at the one time a month their families eat dinner together. But then Toni is placed in Shelby’s class, the gifted class.

Toni doesn’t pay attention in regular class. It’s boring. She just reads, a habit from spending most of her life in a library, the book peeking out just enough from under her desk. She doesn’t think the teacher cares. It’s only 4th grade. Apparently the teacher did care. Instead of punishing Toni, Mrs. Woolfe tricked Toni into taking some test that placed her in the gifted group. So next year, in 5th grade she is desk partnered with Shelby Goodkind who smiles at Toni like she just won a pizza party. Becca isn’t in the class so all of Shelby’s attention is on Toni.

Suddenly, Becca and Shelby start playing kickball on the same team as Toni. They chatter next to her when she reads. Shelby asks her questions about the story and sometimes Toni finds it in herself to give a light response. She wouldn’t say she’s friends with them. Moving around a lot, Toni knows how to socialize and not get picked on, but she never felt the need to get attached. 

Her aunt wins Toni over with good food and television shows. Shelby simply wins with persistence. She brings Toni extra snacks at lunch and continues to talk at Toni for months. Toni won’t admit but she starts to believe that even though Shelby’s bright eyes and friendly demeanor earn her the attention of everybody in class, maybe Shelby Goodkind could be a real friend. She saves Toni and Becca a seat at lunch everyday and starts to read books just because Toni reads them. 

Toni allows herself to call Shelby and Becca her friends not close friends or anything because getting attached isn’t a good idea. She can joke around with Becca about silly things while Shelby blushes and tries her best not to laugh. She makes excuses to get out of hanging out with them after school. Part of her still sees Shelby as the pastor's daughter who probably reaches out to everyone because she is nice and Becca will probably drop Toni the moment Shelby decides to. So she keeps her distance .

Kristey wants Toni to become real friends with Pastor Goodkind’s daughter. Even her uncle who doesn’t do much besides offer unsolicited advice once in a while grunts his approval. She signs Toni up for recreational soccer because Mrs. Goodkind mentions it at a Sunday dinner. Becca isn’t on the team but Toni meets Dot Campbell and they hit off because they both like to make Spongebob Squarepants jokes. Rachel Reid seems pretty angry all the time but she’s only one whose skill level matches Toni’s so they partner up a lot. Shelby partners up with Rachel’s twin, Nora. Neither of them are that competitive on the field and bond cheering the rest of the team on from the bench. They’re on the same team for two summers in a row.

“Toni is obviously a Jo,” Shelby explains, grasping the book of Little Women in her hands. They had all started the book at the same time, but Toni had finished last week. She’s peeking over the next Percy Jackson book as she watches Becca and Shelby decide what characters they each are. “Becca you’re obviously a Beth. People probably think I am an Amy because she’s blonde and girly….but I don’t think that fits.” 

“Maybe you’re a Meg,” Becca chirps in. “You’re responsible but still kind of like to have fun.” Toni wants to disagree but before she can a crowd of boys run up to them. 

“What are you GirLS always reading for? I am surprised y’all even know how to read.” The interaction isn’t atypical. This particular group of boys come around every few days to harass them. Shelby usually just averts her gaze and Becca excitedly watches as Toni throws back a few barbs. Usually it scares the boys away, but today they are being extra persistent. 

“My daddy says girls just pretend to read because they’re shit at sports.” Derick thinks he's tough for saying a few swear words and apparently his buddies think so too. “You’re pretty. You don’t have to go to school.” He directs his words to Shelby who looks even more uncomfortable at his words. “You two probably need it.” Toni really doesn’t give a shit what these boys think of her but she sees Becca’s frown and her blood boils. She throws down her book. 

“With that face, it doesn’t matter how hard you study because NO one would ever go out with you.” Toni spits out. It’s every boy, man-child's nightmare. Everyone starts laughing at him. He throws the basketball in his hands, aiming right for Toni’s face. They’re standing so close, she doesn’t have time to think about it. She catches it with both hands shocking everyone. She’s pissed and about to send it launching for his prepubescent balls when she feels Shelby’s hand grasp her bicep. It’s enough to make Toni take a breath and see the adult on duty around the corner. They’re too shit at their job to stop boys from being boys and harassing them, but if she hurts this white boy, she’d probably get suspended. 

She sees the hoop out of the corner of her eye. It’s a long shot. The girls usually sit on the outer edge of concrete when they read, underneath the shade of the building so its way farther than a three point line would be. Toni doesn’t really think about it. She just knows she has to hurt Dereck somehow for making Becca feel bad. She takes a few steps and goes for the jump shot. A foster sibling, one of the very few nice ones, used to play with Toni after school. Thinking about her makes Toni sad so she stopped playing, but shooting a basketball is just muscle memory. The shot feels good as it leaves her hands. She doesn’t even watch it, just enjoys the shock on Dereck Weber’s face as she hears the swish of the net. 

The boys leave to get their ball. Becca is talking a mile a minute praising Toni for her shot. “That was so cool Toni! You sure showed them! You’re so good at basketball. You have to teach us!” Toni laughs at her friend's energy and smiles back at Shelby who's giving her that look again like she’s the sun or something. 

They bell rings. Becca’s class being in the other direction, Toni and Shelby walk back together still smiling from Toni’s victory. Shelby stops walking and grasps Toni’s hands lightly. Toni turns to face her. 

“Thank you for doing that.” Toni shrugs. Shelby’s eyes are staring at her intently. There’s something else she wants to say. “Those boys are so mean but Becca cares what they think. So thank you.” 

“They’re jerks. I wasn’t going to let them talk to her like that.” Shelby smiles and squeezes Toni’s hand lightly. 

“I was right about you.” Toni looks at her confused. “The first time we met, I just knew you were a good one. You’re a good friend. You’re coming to my house for our weekly sleepover. No excuses.” 

Becca falls asleep so quickly it’s kind of comical. As soon as the movie is over. They sleep in the living room all with their sleeping bags lined up together. Toni and Shelby scooch closer together so they can talk without disturbing Becca. Toni tells Shelby why she likes to read so much. 

“When I lived with my mom, it was always cold, we didn’t have lights a lot. So I just went to the library whenever it was open. Mom never got home before dark anyway. The stories helped me not worry about her so much.” 

They grow close. Shelby and Toni tell each other a lot in the darkness. Toni learns Shelby’s life isn’t quite perfect or rather the problem is her parents force it to be too perfect. Church takes center stage above all else. They constantly berate their daughter, forcing her to act more Christlike. She never even gets to eat sugary cereal or more than her portioned serving of bread. It sounds exhausting. 

“I was right,” Toni says staring at Shelby. They lay on their sides facing each other. “You’re a Laurie.” Laurie had the expectations of his entire family line and so does Shelby. The only difference being Shelby was definitely intent on fulfilling them. “And Becca is like your Jo. Her house is fun and her parents give us Sunny D and let us eat fruit loops for dessert” 

“Becca is Beth.” Shelby says matter of factly. “You’re my Jo.” 

Something changes after that. Toni starts to believe their friendship is real. Weekly sleepovers become a regular part of their routine. They always sleepover at Becca’s house. The one time it was at Shelby’s, her pastor father had made them eat a vegetable casserole and watch a recording of a sermon instead of their regular movie. Everything in the house feels so… stiff. Toni knows the man from church but she never feels even a little comfortable around him. He’s always looking at Toni like he wants to tear her apart piece by piece and mold her into the perfect child of God. 

They start playing basketball. Really, it’s just Toni teaching them how to shoot. Becca brings Sunny Ds and they drink them between shots. The curly-haired Texan is not that into it but she uses the time to make super goofy shots that never go in. Shelby’s form is terrible and Toni has to physically correct her posture every other shot. Neither of them are that good, but they play horse with Toni giving them 3 extra shots just to keep it from ending too early. Dot and Rachel sometimes join in when they feel like it. 

Toni smiles more and is a lot more obvious in her affection for her best friends. She gives Becca piggy back rides and braids Shelby’s hair. Shelby is very touchy. She’s always reaching for Toni lightly. Brushing her hand past Toni’s as they walk, holding Toni’s arm when they read together, and sometimes holding Toni back from getting into fights with stupid boys. 

“Boys are just mean because they like us” Becca says one day on the playground Toni looks up from the grass crown she’s making. Shelby suggested they make something after Toni had thrown a punch at one of Dereck’s friends for pulling Shelby’s ponytail. 

“That’s stupid. Who told you that,” Toni says obviously irritated. Becca and Shelby had gotten used to her bluntness by now. 

“My mom. She says boys don’t know what to do when they like a girl so they’re mean to get her attention.” 

“Still stupid. Boys are mean because they are jerks.” Toni’s fist crumples the crown she is making. “My mom used to date a lot of guys like that. They were mean. Really mean. They always made her cry. One guy smashed my grandma’s ashes right in front of me. I don’t really remember her. She liked to watch Jeopardy and gave me muffins. He yelled at me. Made me clean it up.” 

Shelby unravels Toni’s fist and clasps their hands together. She understands Toni better than anyone. This isn’t the first time Toni has opened up to them. Usually, it’s Shelby more often than Becca because Becca always falls asleep way earlier than them. At their sleepovers, Toni tells Shelby something she swore she would never talk about. Life in foster care. Her mother. 

Toni is probably the only reason her mother is still alive, if you can count wandering through phases of being drunk and high as living. The first time she finds her mother breathless and out cold, she is only five, but she knows she has to do something. So she runs out into the apartment complex screaming as loud as she can which is pretty loud. 

Toni is seven when they take her away from her mother. She fights it and gives one worker a decent black eye. They try to tell her, her life will be better but all she thinks is she cannot let her mother die. She taught herself CPR, reading books and instructional videos on the shitty public library monitors. She waits for her mother to come home and in the evenings and learns where to track her down and inject her with an overdose reversal drug when she doesn’t. She’s dragged out, kicking and screaming.

She spends nights in a drafty room laying on a rickety top bunk bed two towns from the reservation. The foster parents fight constantly. A month in, she slips out during their regular screaming match and walks all the way back only to find the apartment occupied by a new family. She’s in prison”. The neighbor said. It isn’t a unique story. Her mother had a breakdown, spiraling so far into drugs she turned to robbery to fund her addiction. Toni doesn’t think about it. It’s just there, a heavy feeling that sits inside her along with every other fucked up thing about her family. She is never with a family for more than six months. She does really well at first, keeping her head down, but then something inside of her just snaps, and then she’s some other household’s problem.

Toni never means to reveal so much. She just starts talking and it just all comes out spilling out. She’s almost embarrassed but Shelby never lets her. Shelby just lays across from Toni in her sleeping bag, listening intently to everything Toni says. 

“I still have my stuff in my suitcase. You never know when you’ll need to just take the essentials and run,” Toni admits.

“You’re not a foster kid now” Shelby reassures. “You don’t have to do that anymore.” 

“Adults would always say that. This is your home blah blah. It’s a lie. Do something to upset them and they kick you out. Make you leave. People always leave.” Shelby squeezes her hand. 

“ That’s not true. I won’t” Shelby says, squeezing Toni’s hand. “I promise. You’re stuck with me and Becca forever.” 


	7. Gentle but Steady

Toni doesn’t want to hear what Leah has to say. “We’re here for you.” Right. Sure, they're friends but Leah has been here for all of 2 semesters and now she thinks she can get Toni to just throw years of abuse and abandonment issues out the door. Maybe if Leah hadn’t chosen to talk to her right after school when all Toni wants to do is down to velveeta and sleep, maybe if the only green-eyed white girl Toni had ever trusted wasn’t standing a few feet away, Toni would listen. Toni snaps at Leah. "Everyone leaves.” She storms past Shelby, the guilty expression on the blondes face only managing to piss her off more. 

She’s so in her head, walking so fast, angry she slams right into Becca. “Fuck.” Toni helps the girl pick up the mess of papers and folders. “Sorry, I just got somewhere to be.” It’s a white lie but she doesn’t want to explain that she’s still hurt over Shelby Goodkind abandoning her especially to the other best friend who did the exact same thing. Becca swipes up her pen and gives Toni a soft smile. 

“It’s alright. I am just headed home so….” Toni nods putting her hands in her pockets as she prepares to make her exit. Becca stops her. “Toni, I need some advice …..about Shelby. She’s angry. Something happened and I don’t know what to do.”

It’s terrible timing. If Toni hadn’t just spent the last few minutes fuming about Shelby Goodkind, if Toni had gotten her velveeta and nap first, if Regan hadn’t dumped her, maybe Toni would be willing to give advice to her best friend who chose Shelby over her. Right now, Ton isn’t having it. Toni growls. “Deal with your shit on your own. You and Shelby taught me that one.” Toni leaves without looking back. 

*******

Toni is yelling at Shelby as if that could bring Becca back. She’s screaming and all Shelby does is stand there without an ounce of emotion on her face. Becca, their Becca is dead Shelby didn’t go to the funeral. She hasn’t shed a tear. She waltzes around the school selling Prom tickets. Fuck that. For god’s sake, Shelby cries every time she watches Bambi. What the fuck happened? Becca. Becca is gone and the last thing Toni ever said to her was to fuck off basically. Toni punches Shelby’s car. Her hand hurts. She deserves the pain. All of it because all Toni had to do was just take a second to listen to Becca. She wouldn't be yelling at Shelby asking what happened. Becca would have told her. Toni could have fucking helped her. 

Toni hasn’t slept in a week and she really can’t tell when she’s fully awake anymore. She doesn’t know what she’s saying or even realizes she’s crying until Shelby is crying right beside her. Part of her also thinks it’s a hallucination. Shelby Goodkind sitting beside her and grasping her hand as if she had never left. 

////////

Toni gets used to Shelby’s presence, Shelby’s hand in hers. She looks forward to the feel of Shelby fingers lightly grasping hers under their desk in class. Gentle but steady. Everyone knows they are best friends. They steal glances and put their faces together so closely their noses brush, like they’re telling each other the biggest secrets in the world. Shelby gives her that smile like Toni did something real special. It makes Toni’s heart feel light.

By the time Toni’s 3rd summer in Texas rolls around, she allows herself to see this place as home not because of her aunt and uncle who really just feed and clothe her and leave her to do whatever, but because of Shelby and Becca. They’re her real family. With no school they spend all their time together: Bike rides, park adventures, and Becca’s parents occasionally take them on some vacations to San Antonio and the beach. 

The first time Toni rides a horse she is terrified. Becca and Shelby ride circles around her. They’re supposed to ride this long trail through the woods but at one point Toni swears she’s going to fall off so she just jumps off and is ready to angrily storm away. Shelby stops her before she can with a gentle hand on her shoulder. They compromise. Toni rides with Shelby. Toni sits in front and Shelby wraps her arms around to hold the reins. Toni doesn’t think horseback riding is so bad after that. They only ever rent two horses. It becomes a regular summer activity. Long after Toni gets used to horseback riding, she still chooses to ride with Shelby. The one time she tried with Becca, they both actually fell off. She thinks Shelby knows Toni could probably handle a horse by herself, but her blonde best friend is always eager to help Toni up on the saddle. Shelby sits behind Toni and wraps her arms around the shorter girl and gives her a squeeze. “Feel stable?” she teases. Toni just leans back and laughs. 

Becca’s house has a pool so they spend a lot of time lounging around it. They even throw a party inviting all the girls from their class and some of the boys which pisses Toni off. Middle school boys are the worst. Dot dares Toni to do a backflip on the board and Rachel heard so now the two of them are in a contest to see who can do two full rotations. It’s actually impossible considering how low the board is but neither have it in them to quit. 

Toni flops straight onto her belly. She hears everyone laugh as she resurfaces. Shelby is there standing at the edge looking at Toni with amusement in her eyes. Toni puts one hand on the edge and uses the other to soothe her stomach, stinging from the flop. 

“Nice dive” Shelby teases looking down at her best friend. 

“Shouldn’t you be flirting with the boys along with the rest of the future cheerleaders?” Toni gestures to the clique of pretty girls. They’re all pretending to be impressed by the boys who are absolutely failing at doing a handstand. Shelby rolls her eyes and smiles back at Toni.

“They’re so annoying. I had to get away. Luckily your flop there gave me a good excuse.”

“Shut up and just help me up” Toni groans reaching her hand up. Shelby probably saw it coming but Toni pulls her in anyway. Toni laughs as Shelby resurfaces. Soon they’re wrestling to dunk each other in. Shelby is taller than Toni and eventually just wraps her arms around the brunette, and hoists her up from behind. Toni’s legs can’t touch the ground so she leans backwards and yells in protest. They fall backwards into the water. They resurface laughing and Toni can’t look away from Shelby’s stare. It’s that look again. Shelby’s always looking at Toni like she did something real special. She can have a bunch of pizza sauce all over her face and Shelby would just wipe it off for Toni and beam at her like Toni just painted a masterpiece or something. Toni loves it. It also makes her nervous. She’s afraid she’ll do something that makes Shelby realize Toni doesn’t deserve it.


	8. What About Becca?

By the time Toni stops crying, it’s starting to get dark. She takes a few solid breathes and realizes Shelby is still holding her hand. She looks at Shelby’s face besides her and sees tears on her face. She doesn’t hesitate, just wipes them off the blonde’s cheeks. They make eye contact. It’s not awkward, just strange how easy it is. Shelby looks at Toni with a soft expression on her face. They stay like that for a little bit. Then Shelby stands up and stretches out her hand to help Toni up. Toni accepts, standing up to face Shelby. They’re standing really close. An inch closer and their noses would be touching. Shelby hasn’t let go of Toni’s hands. 

Toni doesn’t understand what’s happening. She does kind of understand, but she doesn’t understand why. She’s physically aware Shelby is stroking her hand gently. She can feel the blonde’s left thumb making circle patterns on her hand. She sees those familiar green eyes looking into her own with a soft expression - it’s familiar. Toni thinks she might be hallucinating. Shelby hasn’t looked at her like that since… since they were still best friends. Well, Shelby has never really been her best friend. Becca’s her best friend. Shelby….. Toni doesn’t get to finish her though as Shelby breaks eye contact with her to look down. 

Toni’s eyes follow. Shelby thumb smeared some of the blood on Toni’s knuckles. Right. Toni had gone apeshit and injured herself. Shelby makes eye contact with Toni, concern in her eyes.  
“Let me help you with that.” Shelby says softly and lets go of her hands to walk to the trunk of her car. Toni finds herself missing the contact. Toni starts to mumble something about she’s fine but Shelby dismisses Toni with a familiar huff and pulls out a first aid kit. Shelby gestures for Toni to sit in the car. Toni slowly walks to the opening of the hatchback still hesitant to accept the help. 

“It’s alright, I can -”Toni doesn't get to finish her sentence. Shelby walks up to her. They’re staring at each other face to face. Suddenly, Shelby wraps her arms around her torso and sets her down in the trunk of her car. Toni is shocked. Shelby Goodkind just picked her up and down like she’s a child. 

“I was a candy striper at Armadillo General last year.” Shelby says not even trying to hide the smirk on her face. I know what I am doing.” Toni trusts Shelby but not because she volunteered at the hospital. Shelby had accompanied Toni to a lot of nurses visits. The blonde started carrying around a Scooby-Doo first aid kit after Toni’s first fight in middle school. Toni’s heart skips when she realizes Shelby is using the same kit now. Shelby tears open a few alcoholic wipes and places herself between Toni’s legs. She holds Toni’s injured hand. Shelby is gentle as she dabs the disinfectant on Toni’s knuckles. She even blows on them a little when Toni winces. 

“Still a big baby I see” Shelby teases. Toni does her best to put on an annoyed face but can’t hide her smile. All of this is too familiar. Toni does her best to steady her breathing as Shelby takes her time wrapping her hand up. Shelby finishes and analyzes her work. She looks at Toni and just smiles. Toni just smiles back. 

“Come on.” Shelby breaks the moment. “I’ll drive you home.” Toni is too dazed to argue. She hops in the front seat and gives her Martha’s address. The car ride is kind of awkward. They just listen to whatever is on the radio. When Shelby stops the car, they have another staring session. Martha opens the front door and Toni runs out of the car with a quick “Thanks”. She peeks through the blinds to see Shelby just staring into space for a few minutes before backing her car up and driving away. 

*****

  
After that, Toni’s relationship with Shelby is strange. Honestly, they don’t interact. Shelby seems to be actively avoiding her which kind of offends Toni for a few days but then she just let’s it go because she frankly doesn’t have the energy to care. It’s not like they're friends again or anything. Toni doesn’t care. Sure, maybe she’ll stare at the front of the room and trace the scarring on her knuckles and do her best not to think about Shelby Goodkind but she doesn’t care. Summer comes and she spends most of it chilling with Marty or working at the restaurant. Sometimes Marty drags her to group functions. It’s not the best summer but it’s not terrible so that’s fine with Toni. 

In August, Toni hears tapping at her window. The pattern is familiar and she thinks she must be having a nightmare where Becca’s ghost comes to haunt her or something. She opens the window and Shelby is staring back at her. She’s definitely having a nightmare. 

“What? What’s going on? It’s like 1:00am.” Toni grumbles still sleepy. 

“It’s Becca’s birthday tomorrow...Today.” Shelby explains shyly. Toni just looks at her and sighs. She knows that and had planned on spending most of the day sleeping or reading to not think about it.

“And?” Toni asks even though she already knows the answer. 

“I just… don’t want to be alone...thinking about her.” Shelby says looking sad. Toni closes her eyes for a moment, taking in a deep breath. 

“Ok, just be quiet” Toni relents, gesturing for Shelby to come in. Shelby crawls in with the grace of a newborn puppy, falling into the floor with a loud thud. Toni laughs. “So much for being quiet.” Shelby glares at Toni but has a small smile on her face. Toni turns the lights off and crawls back into bed, intent on getting back to sleep. She can feel the tension in the room. She opens her eyes to see Shelby awkwardly still standing by the window. 

“What are you doing?” Toni grumbles. 

“Umm… DO you have like a sleeping bag or just a pillow and blanket?” Shelby stutters. Toni rolls her eyes. 

“Just get in the bed you weirdo. It’s nothing we haven’t done before. I know my bed isn’t as big as yours but it’s still full-sized.” Toni grabs a pillow from her stack and sets it beside her. “Here.” 

Shelby seems to pause. Toni doesn’t really know because her eyes are already closed, but she feels Shelby turnover the covers and slide in hesitantly. 

“Toni,” Shelby whispers. Toni just kind of grunts in reply. “Thank you.” Shelby says.

******* 

“They think I’m with Andrew...That he’s helping me with the whole bereavement process.” Shelby admits as they walk up the trail. 

“And Andew?” Toni asks. 

“I told him I just need the day to myself. He was fine with it. He’s probably hanging out with Crista Finlay anyway.” Toni is surprised that Shelby knows about the schools worst kept secret and even more surprised that she doesn’t seem to care at all. It’s the last they speak of it. She continues to walk up the trail looking at the sun kissed sky. They’re headed to the creek, one of Becca’s favorite spots. Toni doesn’t have a car so they just biked there locking it at the head of the trial. Shelby sat on the front handle bars. It’s so middle school, but they used to do it all the time back then. It suits the whole celebrate Becca day theme anyway.

Neither of them had wanted to sulk indoors alone so they decided to do what they would have done if Becca was still alive and if Toni had stayed friends with them. (They don’t mention the latter part.) The creek had been there to go to hangout spot to get away from everyone, especially their parents. It was relatively shallow, but further down the trail than most people wanted to talk, they found a deep spot , perfect for swimming. Becca’s mom even dragged over some rope for them one day so they could tie it to an overhanging tree and swing in. Ever since, Becca always chose to spend her birthday there. Just the three of them. 

They get to the spot, and Toni immediately feels like it is a bad idea. Fuck. Becca’s absence is just even more real now. Shelby seems to feel the same way from the tears that start forming in her eyes. They don’t bother trying to swim. Toni sets down the blanket they brought and they sit down side by side, legs brushing. After a few moments Shelby grabs Toni’s hand. They just sit there, embracing the pain of Becca’s absence.

It becomes a thing. Shelby shows up out of the blue at Toni’s window or texts her to meet her at the creek, a park. They sit, but don’t really talk much. Sometimes Toni reads and Shelby just kind of stares into space, holding Toni’s hand. It’s a weird bereavement process but it kind of helps Toni too. When school starts again, she expects it to stop, but a week into school, Shelby’s waiting for Toni after basketball practice. She drives them through a fast food place, one of Becca’s favorites, and they even share some small talk before eating in silence. A few more outings, a walk through the park, movie night in Toni’s room and Toni realizes Shelby just comes to her whenever she misses Becca too much. 

It kind of makes sense in a way. Finding comfort in the only other person who understands the loss. Sometimes Toni feels like she doesn’t. It's an unspoken rule. Don’t talk about what happened. It’s still eating up Toni inside though. She needs to know. She wants to know what she could’ve done.

Toni looks down at Shelby’s hand in hers. They’re watching a movie. The Parent Trap, another one of Becca’s favorites. Shelby seems calm. A lot more calm than when she’s around school with the strained smiled on her face at all times. Toni decides to not push it, enjoying the peace she feels whenever Shelby’s hand is around hers. 

When Regan starts talking to Toni again, the whole school notices. Apparently they have nothing to do with their lives then gossip about it. It infuriates Toni but she holds back her rage for Regan, and Martha who gives her breathing exercises to do. It also doesn’t help that Shelby hasn’t come around for over a week. Of course as soon as things start to get a little too homo Shelby bails. Toni should have known. It should not surprise her. She actually asks the girls to hang out to distract herself. It doesn't really work. She still misses it, the feeling of Shelby’s hand around hers. She’s so fucking pathetic. 

Shelby shows up Toni’s window with a bag of fast food in hand. It’s exactly two weeks after Regan started to Toni again. Toni thinks about shutting the window and locking it, leaving Shelby out in the cold. She doesn’t. They’re soon holding hands and watching Golden Girls. Toni’s a softie. She knows it, but it’s hard to hate herself for it while watching Shelby laugh and almost choke on her fries. Toni laughs and pats Shelby on the back. 

“Careful. You might cough out your retainer.” Toni jokes. Shelby looks at Toni worriedly. It confused the brunette. Toni’s known about her missing teeth forever. She was there when Shelby lost her baby ones. 

“Umm….I don’t have it anymore. My Daddy paid for me to have that surgery last summer” Shelby explains a little shyly grabbing another french fry. Toni’s eyebrows furrow. Shelby had wanted that surgery forever ranting about it to Becca and Toni when she found out about it in 7th grade. Toni specifically remembers Shelby complaining about how it couldn’t be done until she was older, like 21 because it could seriously damage her bone structure. Shelby seems to know what Toni is thinking. Her facial expression tells Toni to not ask. So she doesn’t. “My Daddy insisted. I had a lot of big pageants coming up so…”

“Oh..Kay.” Toni drops it grabbing her own fries and turning her attention back to the laptop screen. Toni remembers why Daving Goodkind scared the fuck out of her as a kid.  
  


******

Toni is sure Shelby will never talk to her again. Shelby kissed her. Full on the lips. Toni was surprised because they were arguing about how Shelby is homophobic. One moment Toni is yelling at Shelby and then the next Shelby’s lips are on hers. It doesn’t take a second for Toni to kiss her back. It feels right which is so fucked up because then Shelby runs from under the bleachers back to the crowd and Toni is just left dumbstruck. What the fuck just happened? 

She tries to catch Shelby’s attention but short of confronting her in public or showing up at her house, Toni doesn’t know what to do. She sees Shelby at the diner once with Andrew. Toni’s laughing with Martha while Regan and Dot try to see who can drink milkshakes the fastest. Toni heads to the bathroom. When she goes to wash her hands Shelby’s there with a death glare on her face. Did she follow Toni? Shelby accuses her of telling Martha about the kiss. What the fuck? She would never. She wants to be nice to Shelby. She tries, but then Shelby’s grasping her wrists so tightly it almost hurts. She has this desperate look in her eyes. “I know who I am. I can’t wait to get back to her.” Toni watches her leave, rubbing her wrists. 

Toni is hurt and kicking herself for even thinking she can trust Shelby Goodkind again. Then she thinks about how sad it must be if Shelby is gay or just queer at all. She remembers the way Shelby worked so hard at those pageants to please her parents, how she hung on every word or every sermon. Toni cries. 

Fatin throws a killer Halloween party. Toni takes the opportunity to get wasted and just throw the whole shitty month behind her. She’s not the only one apparently. She almost runs head first into Shelby Goodkind who is holding a dangerously low bottle of vodka. Toni is sloshed but not nearly as drunk as Shelby. The blonde is looking at Ton, greeting her with a big smile and laughs bitterly. She looks so sad. Toni takes a moment to look at the blonde in her denim jacket. Her hair, now shorter, is an absolute mess. Toni remembers seeing it cut shorter when Shelby came back from skipping school. Toni can't confirm Shelby skipped because she kissed Toni, but Toni knows she is. It wasn't this tangled mess that it is now. 

Toni doesn’t have the heart to let Shelby walk around messily shouting greetings at everyone. If the blonde was sober, she would be mortified. Toni escorts her out to the front yard. She manages to snatch the blonde’s keys from her jacket pocket. She literally has to wrestle Shelby who just giggles at Toni’s close proximity. She parks in Shelby’s driveway and sighs seeing all the lights are out. Did Shelby actually sneak out to get waste alone? What the fuck was her plan? Toni knows the Goodkinds can’t catch their daughter like this. They would be livid. She knows it’s a shitty plan but she resolves to help Shelby climb up the porch roof to her window. 

It’s a stupid plan. Shelby almost falls off. Toni has to wrap her entire body around Shelby to keep her stable. Once they’re finally on the porch, Toni is breathing hard from the gymnastics she just had to do to keep Shelby alive. Shelby is blushing. Toni ignores it. Toni knows Shelby maybe likes girls. She doesn't think it means Shelby likes her. Toni’s literally the only lesbian in the county besides Regan so it makes sense. 

She crawls through Shelby’s window first and helps Shelby get down inside without falling onto the floor. She supports Shelby to her bed. The blonde flops onto her bed. Toni breathes a sigh of relief once Shelby is tucked inside her bed. Shelby’s kind of cute, drunk and sleepy. Disaster fucking averted. Part of her can’t believe she’s actually risking her life helping Shelby sneak into the homophobic capital of the county. Shit if Shelby’s dad sees Toni here. The thought is enough to break her away from staring at Shelby and start heading to the door. Shelby grabs her hand. Toni freezes. 

“I’m sorry.” Shelby whispers. Toni stands there not sure what Shelby is apologizing for. 

“I shouldn’t have ki- It just lost control. It’s all my fault.” Shelby is almost crying. 

‘It’s ok. You don’t have to apologize. There’s no shame -” Toni starts. 

“No….not you… B-Becca.” Shelby’s voice is shaky. Toni freezes. Shelby kissed Becca? And Toni? 

“I shouldn’t have done it. After Martha’s birthday… I don’t know… I just wanted the love you had... for Regan…” Toni is still processing Shelby’s words. Shelby was in love with Becca? That’s why she was always so freaked out when she saw Toni and Regan together?” 

“I fucked up. So bad. I shouldn’t have done it. I didn’t feel that way...and she didn’t… and then she told my parents.” Toni heart stops. Fuck. She knows that’s not good. 

“I didn’t want to be alone. She kept trying to talk to me about it.” Shelby is crying now. Toni sits down on the bed beside Shelby. 

“It’s ok. Shelby. Becca wouldn't care. She wanted to help. That’s not … you were scared.” Toni reassures. Toni kind of understands what Becca wanted to talk to her about now. Shelby kissing Becca, and Toni being the celebrity gay of the Town. Part of her is relieved. Becca wouldn’t kill herself over Shelby liking girls.

“You don’t understand.” Shelby says softly. “ It was my fault. I- I told her to stay away from me. I said it was her fault. The kiss...Her stepbrother. Like she caused it all, being overly sexual. I said..sh- she asked for it.” Toni stands up quickly. Everything feels cold as she realizes what Shelby is saying. “I’m so sorry, Toni. I was just so scared. I di-” 

“You blamed her. You...blamed HER!” Toni is furious. Shelby’s eyes quickly dart to the door. Toni takes a deep breath….Right. Couldn’t wake up the pastor. 

“You blamed her.” Toni says more quietly, still seething. Shelby nods silently, fear still in her eyes. “That’s not okay Shelby. That’s not fucking okay. That - He -that monster fucking broke her. And you just threw it in her face because -” Shelby doesn’t want to be gay. Toni stops to take a breath. She’s been tearing herself up inside for not helping Becca, spending time with Shelby Goodkind as some kind of penance. Shelby who hates Toni for being gay. Shelby who pushed Becca to her death. Toni is shaking with anger. She gets out of there as fast as she can, running home.

Martha sees the tears in Toni’s as she walks through the front door. She hugs Toni as she cries and cries and cries. Becca. Toni mumbles. Becca. 

  
  


/////

At the time, they’re too young to see all the ways middle school is changing them but it does. Shelby starts entering pageants. Becca and Toni help her practice her lines, songs, and approve her different makeup looks. Toni likes being able to spend more time with Becca. The curly-haired girl isn’t restrained like Shelby. Shelby is fun when it’s just the three of them, but she's so worried about what other people think when they’re in public view. They joke around while Shelby and her mom take forever shopping for different dresses. When 7th grade starts, pageants take up a huge portion of Shelby’s after school time. Becca and Toni hang out a lot, just the two of them when Shelby’s is at her singing lessons or traveling to another competition. Becca’s house has a hoop and the girls talk while making some shots...well Toni makes them. Becca mostly just passes the ball back to Toni. 

“Are you going to try out for the team this year?” Becca passes Toni the ball after the girl makes a layup. Toni shakes her head and makes another basket. “You’re actually really good though. Why not?” 

Toni catches the pass from Becca and holds the ball at her hip. “I haven’t played real basketball since my foster kid days. I’m not looking to relive that.”

“Come on Toni. I need something to do besides look at Shelby on stage all year. She’s really good at it, but it’s not all that interesting. Plus...she’s so…” 

“Yeah…”Toni agrees. Toni doesn’t like pageant Shelby. She doesn’t know how to explain it other than she just doesn’t recognize her. “Well maybe you should try out for the team then.” Toni jokes swishing in another shot. 

“Huh, I wish.” Becca sighs. “How about you try out and if you make it I can be the waterboy or something. PleeASE???? Come on. I’ll bring you a Sunny D to every game. I promise.” Becca begs walking the basketball to Toni and looking at her with puppy dog eyes. Toni has a hard time saying no to that. Plus, she thinks it would be nice to have something new to do. She and Becca hangout after school everyday now. Sometimes she has Fatin, the Reid Sisters or Dot, but since Shelby hasn’t been AWOL, she could use something else in her life. 

“Fine” Toni agrees. She tries to not smile at Becca’s overjoyed cheers but soon joins in. They spend the rest of the afternoon eating Takis and watching episodes of FRIENDS on TV. In a way, Toni is glad she and Becca have gotten this time to hangout just the two of them. Shelby had brought them together but along the way, Becca had become her best friend. She tells the girl one afternoon as they take a walk to a creek they like to sit at. Shelby would usually come along with them but she insists on practicing her songs a thousand times before her next pageant. 

“You’re my best friend too.” Becca replies with a genuine smile on her face. The words bring warmth to Toni’s heart but she still says defensively. 

“You don’t have to say that.” Toni deflects. “We both know you and Shelby -” 

“No,” Becca says confidently. It surprises Toni. She stops walking and listens to Becca intently. “Shelby’s my person. Like we’ve basically been sisters since we were in diapers. You’re my best friend.” Toni smiles. She’s so happy when they make it to the creek she does a cannonball just to make her best friend laugh. 

Toni makes the basketball team. Becca is not surprised in the least, dropping her pizza slice on the plate and launches herself at Toni to give her a congratulatory noogie. They’re the same height but Toni is stronger. She still let’s it happen laughing along with Shelby who’s face just says You’re both dorks. Shelby does her best to make it to every game her parents will let her attend. Toni is the MVP every game but Becca comes a close second. She’s the official waterboy but the unofficial team mascot. The team loves her. She’s always there with a beverage or towel but more importantly she boosts morale with her cheerful attitude and jokes. 

Toni is glad she joined the team, not just for herself but for her best friend. They make new friends and it helps fill the Shelby shaped hole in their lives. Toni also realizes she has a real passion for basketball. She starts training hard with whatever teammate she can drag out to practice with her. She’s so into basketball. It just gives her an outlet to fuel all the rage she still has inside. 

She wishes Becca had something like that. Right after basketball season ends, Becca’s parents get a divorce. Even worse, her mother cheated with a man who basically moves in as soon as everything is finalized. The trio make do with sleepovers at Shelby’s house trying their best to gag down the garbage food and watch movies on a little laptop under a blanket fort with all the lights off. Shelby, now used to the pageant lifestyle and more confident now that she has a couple of first place trophies under her belt, can regularly hang out. They get another summer together which Toni is eternally grateful for, because after 8th grade - that’s when everything starts to fall apart. 

At church, Toni still zones out but thinks less about cartoons and more about how she’s going to get out spending her Sundays there. Shelby seems to hang on every word their church teacher says which annoys Toni. The blonde had always been a people pleaser, but recently, she had gotten really really into church, wearing that cross like it had actual powers or something. Becca is there only physically. Their curly-haired best friends just zones out all of the time now. Toni knows something is wrong. The girl had been fading on them ever since her mom got married again. After basketball season. Becca shows up less and less to anything. So more often than not, it’s just Shelby and Toni when they hangout. They still have their sleepovers but not regularly. 

There’s a barbeque after church that day. The trio sit on a picnic blanket Toni brought for the occasion. She eats her food realizing this is the first time in months the three of them have eaten together outside of school. It makes her sad. She decides right there as Shelby tells a long story about her latest pageant win and Becca laughs at Shelby’s exaggerations, to make sure they hang out together more often. She’s not going to lose the only family she’s ever had. 

“We need to get together more,” Toni says. “I know we’re all busy but we should hang out more and not just at school or church related stuff.” They know Toni well enough to see this is important. 

“Yeah…” Shelby agrees. “I have been pretty busy with pageants but I do not have anything until the end of summer. We can have like a week-long sleepover.” Becca nods in agreement with a big smile on her face. It suddenly drops. Toni looks to see where Becca is staring. Becca’s new stepbrother is walking over to them, telling Becca he’s going home early and she’s going with him. Toni’s stomach drops. Something about the way he looks at Becca, the way Becca freezes and smiles to cover it up. Toni has seen this before. Her blood boils. 

Toni’s tackling him to the ground before Becca can stand up to leave. She gets in a few punches and is screaming at him. “You fucking monster!” She has tears in her eyes. She’s thrashing him as hard as she can and then a man pulls Toni away. Everyone at the whole barbeque is staring. No one understands what’s going on. Toni knows she’s right looking at Becca’s face. Becca’s family hastily leaves taking their children with them as Pastor Goodkind and Dan berate Toni for causing a scene. Shelby stands there glued in place. 

Toni is grounded for a month. She sneaks out that night anyway. She knows the way to Becca’s house by heart. She taps on the windowsill, using the secret knock the three of them created when their friendship first started. Becca opens the window letting Toni in but she isn’t able to say anything for a while. 

“How did you know?” Becca whispers, not bothering to hide it. Somehow the admission makes Toni feel even worse. She wants to throw up. She wants to go down the hall and pummel him harder. Becca doesn’t deserve this. No one does. 

“ My foster sister was raped by my foster dad.” Toni didn’t think she could say it so bluntly. “She taught me to play basketball. But then she just started fading...Then it all came out and I was moved to a different town.” Becca takes in the information with no reaction. 

“He didnt… I wanted him to like me. I had this dumb crush and he..” 

“Hey,” Toni steps closer. “None of it is your fault. He’s nineteen. He’s a rapist. Don’t let him blame you.” Toni knows she should be saying this better. She’s read so many books on the subject, trying to wrap her head around what happened to her foster sister. 

“My mom’s sending me away,” Becca says. “To get better.” 

“What? What about him?” Toni can barely keep herself from shouting. 

“They will set up some talks with Pastor Goodkind and help him get better. Meanwhile it’s best that I am not around so..”  
“Becca…” Toni voice breaks. “ He’s a monster. This isn’t right. You did nothing wrong.”  
“I broke my promise to God.” Toni can tell those aren’t Becca’s words. She knew Becca and Shelby were way more into church than her but this? Her best friend is in serious pain over a bunch of bullshit. 

“When are you leaving?” 

“Tomorrow.” 

“How long will you be gone?” 

“At least until summer. He’s going to college this fall so… I got to get to bed.” Becca hugs Toni goodbye and Toni tries to not notice her the tears in her curly-haired friends eyes. 

“Toni, promise me you won’t tell anyone. Promise me. Especially, not Shelby. I don’t want anyone to know. I can’t face anyone knowing.”

Toni leaves that night with a knot in her stomach. It keeps her up that night and the following few nights. Shelby sneaks up to Toni’s window a few days later demanding to know what happened. Toni’s aunt and uncle and had taken away her phone. Toni shuts it down, blaming it on some foster kid trauma. Shelby doesn’t buy it but opts to watch cartoons with Toni instead of pushing it further. 

Toni sleeps all day during her month of grounding. She and Shelby take turns sneaking into each other's houses. Sometimes they lay out in the field and stargaze. Nights with just her and Shelby, holding hands and talking about anything from random thought to hopes and dreams. It would have been perfect except Toni still has nightmares about what happened to Becca. Toni caves and tries to talk about it with her aunt Kristey. Maybe she can convince Becca's mom to bring her back, punish the disgusting stepbrother instead. Her answer infuriates Toni. 

“Stuff like this can ruin a man’s life. He’s very young. Sometimes men lose their way but it doesn’t mean they are lost. I am sure Pastor Goodkind will do a fine job at helping him get back to God. It’s probably best Becca has time to heal and think about her actions away from where it happened. ”

What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Seriously? What? Who cares about him. He should be in hell. What about Becca? Toni wishes more than anything that she could help. What about Becca?

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I know it is kind of long. I have one more Toni POV lined up. Then, it will be Shelby's POV.


End file.
